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This is the third post regarding dangerous emotions. Here, fear is discussed.
Fear has been labeled ANXIETY, which carried forward can become PANIC. Panic attacks are poorly understood. They are the ultimate result of anxiety. During a panic attack, we feel a fast heartbeat, sweating, nausea, and possibly lightheadedness.
Fear lives on a continuum. The most severe fear is panic. Moving back along the fear continuum we find anxiety. further down we find worry, and still further down, we find concerns. When any emotion becomes strong, it has control of us. We often have no idea what is causing the strong emotion, including anxiety or panic. We can have more power to deal successfully with any emotion if we deal with it when it is not so strong. So the best time to deal with fear is when it is a concern or a worry.
Though we typically don’t control emotions, “they just are”, we do have the ability to alter emotions. Emotions are built on what we believe. We can mitigate difficult emotions by applying new beliefs, in other words the truth, to those false beliefs when the emotions are not so strong.
So, when we have a concern or a worry, we can apply truth to those thoughts. Scripture is our best source of truth. Matthew 6:25 says, “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?” Reading that whole section of scripture applies even more truth to the concept of fear.
We could print several of those scriptures on a card and place it where we can read it whenever we feel worry or concern and thereby resolve the issues of anxiety and panic.
Why can’t we get along?
Is it my fault?
How do I change the ways we relate?
Great questions. We were all raised by people. People are sinners, people make mistakes. Whoever raised me made mistakes with me. Those mistakes have left either damaged areas in me or unmet needs, all of which happened when we were super young and had nothing to compare to and no way to protect ourselves from it. Our parents did the absolute best job they could, but they also were damaged goods.
Those damages and unmet needs follow us into adulthood. Every one of us arrives at adulthood as damaged goods. God is in the business of healing and changing those damaged areas so we will be more like He intended us to be. Being confident of this very thing, that He who began this good work in you, will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6.
The problems that arise in marriage are allowed by God to fulfill the verse above. Read Matthew 10:34-39. We can blame someone else, or we can try to understand why God brought any particular event within our marriage to our attention. That is the sum total description of spiritual warfare. God within us is His presence here on this earth. We can let Him accomplish His efforts within us and thereby change our world, or we can blame someone or something else and shrug off His efforts to change us. The choice is ours.
But if we escape His efforts, He just brings them back again only this time with less favorable complications. Let’s see things His way quickly so He doesn’t have to use our family members to get our attention.
Pride is dealt with numerous times in scripture. Here are some of them.
Psalm 10:2 The wicked in his pride persecutes the poor; Let them be caught in the plots which they have devised.
Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 13:10 By pride comes nothing but strife, But with the well-advised is wisdom.
So how do I know when pride is rising within me? The key is in that last verse… strife is the indicator of pride. Can we apply this to our personal Road Rage? I think so. When I can hardly believe what some other driver has done could I be proud of my own driving style? Have I ever done something unexpected or dangerous when I was driving? Maybe that’s a poor example. What bugs (strife) me about my spouse? Could that be because I think I can do it better? Is that pride? I think so.
Here’s a good scripture which applies… Matthew 20:16 So the last will be first, and the first last. For many are called, but few chosen.”… Are you one of the chosen to learn to be last instead of exercising pride and being first? Here’s another one… Matthew 10:39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it.
Can we each apply these things within or marriage?
Three different emotions we feel often can be dangerous. They are pride, anger, and fear. ChristianMarriageBuilder.org is posting one post on each and defining the danger of each. Pride was the first negative emotion we are aware of in Scriptural History. It is mentioned in Isaiah 14:13 where Satan is quoted as saying “‘I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God; I will also sit on the mount of the congregation on the farthest sides of the north” In other words, I will be like God.
Fear became a problem in human life right after Adam and Eve sinned. God was looking for Adam in the Garden of Eden, and when they meet up, Adam says “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, and I hid myself.” Genesis 3:10.
Anger became a problem for men the first time when Cain was angry with Able. God says to Cain in Genesis 4:6, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? So each of these emotions has become a problem for us as people. We will explore more about them in upcoming posts.
Most of us choose to just sweep anger under the rug. We do this by giving it a less offensive name like disgust, or frustration, or disappointment. When we avoid anger it just gains more power over us. Then it is more likely to cause an explosion which damages others and our relationship with them, including our spouse.
With all its pet names, admit anger early on and own it as your own. If you allow someone else to MAKE you angry, you have given away the control of your emotions to them. If we have given away the control of our emotions then we do not have our own choices regarding how to handle it, and we cannot allow God to help us deal with anger. In Genesis 4:7 God tells Cain to “rule over his anger”. That can be applied to our anger. If we have given away the control of our anger, we cannot rule over it.
Ephesians 4:26 tells us to not sin with our anger. That means to not make someone else pay. We do that by withdrawing, becoming passive aggressive, or talking negatively about them to others. When that verse says to not let the sun go down on your wrath, it is saying deal with your anger, rule over it if you will, quickly, or you will take it out on someone else.
Hello men. Here’s your chance to learn the female language. In women, communication between logic and emotions is lightning fast. The communication between the two happens on eight-lane freeways so to speak. This is why women talk with so many more words than men. They know their mind on the subject, no more thinking to do, so it comes out in the form of spoken words. So men, just listen and make sure she knows you are listening. Show you are listening by making comments which encourage her to continue expressing. DO NOT at this time express where you are on the matter. If you do it will be from a logical or emotional position, typical of the male language, and she is listening in female. You don’t know yet where you are both emotionally and logically regarding the subject at hand.
She will likely be talking, at least in part of her conversation, about a problem for which you can see an easy solution. DO NOT state your solution. She does not want to hear a solution, she just wants to be listened to. So state comments which let her know you really are listening. Then, a day or so later, when you have put together your thoughts and feelings on the matter at hand, let her know you’ve been thinking about it here is how you see it. Your comments will include both thoughts and feelings and you will be communicating in her language. She will absolutely love you for doing that.
Obviously, this post’s aim is to help females communicate better with males. This is most applicable in marriage but applies to any situation. Men speak and listen in Male, and women speak and listen in Female. They are two different languages. If you want to communicate better with a man, you need to learn the Male language.
FIRST, accept that men do not have good communication between their thoughts and their emotions. When he first speaks on a matter it will either be from a logical position or from an emotional position but very rarely from both. Though there is communication in the male mind between thoughts and feelings, it is like on a two-lane mountain road. It takes a good while to get through; as much as a whole day. So if you want to have good communication with a man, you must develop patience. Give him a day or so after he states his position on a matter with the option of altering his comments once the thoughts and emotions get together in the same place. Just give him that time.
SOOOO, it does absolutely no good to restate your position to try to get him to agree with you. Even if he does agree his position is likely to be altered once his thoughts and emotions get together. State where you are and why, but ONLY ONCE. He has heard you. Drop it and let him consider. You could revisit the topic in a day or two to see if his position is still the same.
He does speak a different language and if you want effective communication, your best approach is to learn his language. That will also help encourage him to lean your language.
Look back over the last three posts. They address how to resolve issues in marriage. Remember that the closeness of marriage is the setting which allows conflict. If you find yourself thinking, “I only have this kind of conflict with my spouse. How come I get along so well with everyone else?” That is a dangerous thought pattern. You would likely have the same issues and likely more difficult ones if you were married to anyone else. It’s the closeness of being married that allows these conflicts to arise and the Edmonton Counselling works on couples therapy to help partners to understand their relationship.
When you have become more skilled at resolving marital issues, each resolution creates more emotional intimacy within the marriage. This happens because the strength of the marriage is more evident when a resolution is successful. Physical intimacy is simply a celebration of emotional intimacy. Both partners get wonderful rewards from resolving a conflict.
What is great about this process is resolving an issue as it arises, also resolves all the times in the past when this same issue popped up. No longer does the couple argue until they are tired of arguing. The conflict produces the end product of intimacy.
If you had a bad cold which might be pneumonia, you would not hesitate to see a doctor. If you have relationship problems in your marriage, it is important to be just as responsive to those. On-line help is available with Dr. Renzema. Just click on this post, and at the ChristianMarriageBuilder.org website click on Contact Dr. Renzema. Send me your information and I’ll take it from there.