Resolving Marital Conflict #2

When we have learned the skills (yes plural) necessary to put off destructive discussions with our spouse, The next step is to learn what to do with the feelings arising in you.

Again, feelings gain power over us when we do not deal with them.  So when you have bad feelings toward your spouse, they cannot just be ignored or buried.  When you bypass the arguing you must also promise yourself that you will deal with those bad emotions, and here are a couple of skills you must learn to do that.  First, tough emotions must be addressed within the next day or so.  If you put it off beyond that, the issue becomes cold and memories fade and resolution becomes too difficult.  It must be addressed while it is fresh in both of your minds.

Second, the reason the discussion is delayed is to allow yourself time to get over your mad and decide with a calmer spirit how you will address the issue.  Further, the delay will give your spouse time to look at the issue more accurately instead of from the position of anger.

Ephesians 4: 26 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give [a]place to the devil.”  Notice it is my personal job to “not let the sun go down on my anger”.  That does not mean to settle the issue with your spouse.  It means you, personally, get over your anger quickly.  Otherwise, you will be “giving place to the devil”.  

In the next post, we will discuss how to get beyond your own anger.

Resolving Marital Conflicts #1

Marital conflicts can be resolved, but it takes learning some new skills.  In this post and in several to follow, those various skills will be discussed.

When emotions rise and take control of your situation, you and your spouse have already lost.  To neutralize the power of those well-known emotions, such as anger and disgust, the one most important skill is to recognize and acknowledge them early.  The power emotions have over us is enhanced by denying or ignoring them.  Robbing emotions of their power requires becoming aware of them earlier and earlier, a difficult yet rewarding skill to learn.

When we see the train wreck approaching in time, we can move aside and let it go on past.  This means temporarily choosing to not move forward with the discussion.  The hard part about this is your spouse and you are practiced at doing your dance in a destructive manner and though you change your style, your spouse may push to continue to do the old style destructive dance.  So you also must develop the skill to stick to the decision to not proceed as in the past.  It’s time for a new dance.  How to move on into resolution will be discussed in a future post.

Each new skill will move you closer to a rewarding and happier marriage.

 

Good and Not-So-Good of Female Minds

Women’s minds work very differently than men’s.  That is both good and bad.  The strength of women’s minds is that the communication neurons which connect the right and left brains are quite vast in number.  If that communication were cars, information would travel back and forth as if on an eight-lane freeway in, North Dakota.  So women know almost immediately how they both think and feel about any situation.

This enables women to put those evaluations into words much more quickly than men.  This is why women talk more than men.  This is also why women make much better multi-taskers than men.  These are all very good strengths that women have.

However, any strength, when overused, becomes a weakness.  For example, because women know THEIR full evaluation of the situation, there is a tendency to believe that is the full truth when it is really only her truth.  Also, because women put things together so quickly, they expect the men around them to be able to do the same, but men have different strengths.  Reread the post on men’s minds at ChristianMarriageBuilder.org.

When a woman is talking to a man, it works best if she states how she sees things, which will be easy for her, and then gives the man the time to process the meaning of what she just said.  It may take some time.  And don’t expect him to state right away his thoughts and feelings.  For this author, it takes just about overnight to put together fully all thoughts and feelings about any important issue.  Give him his time without continuing to address the issue either directly or with hints.

Good and Not-So-Good Of Male Minds

Men’s minds have both good and not-so-good features.  Strengths are that men can camp in their dominant side and pretty much ignore the other side.  So a left-brained man can spend all his time developing the thoughts and logic associated with whatever he is working on.  This is why most of the world’s best known scientists, mathematicians, theologians, and researchers are male.  While there are plenty of left-brained women who make any of these endeavors their excellent life’s work, the best producers are usually male.

The same is true of right-brained men.  Because they can just live in their creative and emotional side, most of the world’s best known chefs, artists, musicians, and comedians are male.  Of course, there are plenty of women who do excellently in all those occupations, but the shining stars are usually men.

Let us remember that every strength has a weak side and any strength overused becomes a weakness.  We all tend to concentrate on our strengths and ignore our weak features.  When a man camps in his logical side, it is difficult for him to hear the emotional side of a thought, and even more difficult to understand it.  When a right-brained man spends all his time being creative, he has problems applying logic to his plans and thoughts.

Everyone uses both sides of their brain at different times, but men tend to focus on either the logic or the emotion of a situation and have problems putting the two together.  However, both the logical and emotional sides of a position, when considered together, constitute the full truth of where one really is on an issue.  Because of the low number of neuro-connectors between the halves of the brain in men, combining the two can take several hours to a day and sometimes more.

So men, don’t try to argue with a woman.  She will always win.  Her mind puts thoughts and feelings together at lightning speed.  Yours does not.  Instead, thoroughly hear her position on an issue and respond with something like, “I get where you are on this.  I’m not quite sure where I am on it.  I need some time to think it through”.  Then stop talking and give yourself that time.  For this writer, it takes just about overnight.  And women, when he says that, you stop trying to convince him.  He’s not going to get it then.  Give him the time to think it through.  Just stop talking about it.

Male And Female Minds Are Very Different

Female and male minds work very differently.  Hormones released before birth set each mind up to work in a way consistent with one’s gender.

In addition, the left brain is our logical side and the right brain is our emotional side.  Just as we can be left-handed or right-handed, we are also either left brained or right brained, and males or females can be either.  That is why a member of either gender can be an excellent scientist or an excellent artist.

However, the communication between the two sides of the brain is very different depending on gender.  Men can easily block that communication because there are few neuro-connectors between the sides.  This enables men to block the emotional side when duty demands it and visa versa.  It also means that men have one track minds.  Women, on the other hand, have vast numbers of connectors between the two sides which let them know almost immediately how they think AND feel about any situation.  This helps them put things into words much quicker than men, and it allows women to multi-task quite easily.

In marriage, these differences have a powerful  influence on how we get along.  It is wise for either gender to understand and accept these differences as they affect day to day relationships.

God Uses Marriage to Change Me

God is more interested in you and me growing than He is in us having a good marriage.

Matthew 10:34-39 indicates He will allow conflict within our family, including with our spouse, to get us to put Him before everything else. Luke 14:20 indicates it is not acceptable to put the desires or needs of our spouse before what God is calling us to do. We must remember that God only deals with individuals as it says in Psalms 33:14-15.  I must be responsive to what I know God is asking of me before I am responsive to my spouse’s asks.

Leave the effects of how the above choices affect your spouse to God.  Remember, He has total control over what comes their way just as He does with you.  Their response to your choices also comes your way because He has allowed it for a good purpose.

We must remember that is this spiritual warfare Satan’s purpose is to destroy us, but God’s purpose is to give us a great and happy life, John 10:10. How it comes down is totally dependent on how we respond internally to the things He allows to come our way.

My Spouse Cannot Meet My Needs

It’ so easy to expect our spouse to meet needs but that is not their job.  Philippians 4:19  And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  It does not say “Your Spouse” shall supply all your needs.

We all grow up being raised by people and people are sinners.  By extension, our parents sinned in the process or raising us.  There were needs we had in childhood which should have been met by parents but were not.  So, we come into adulthood with unmet needs and we tend to look for a spouse who will meet those needs.  We find them and then we expect them to perform.  They cannot because they were not who failed to meet the need.  God is the only one who can supply those unmet needs.  He may choose to use your spouse but not likely.  As the scripture says, He will meet those needs.

So, when your spouse doesn’t perform as you expect, just understand it is not their job to please you.  Love them for who they are and appreciate what they are able to do for you, and look to God for the rest.

The Spiritual War

The spiritual war is within each of us. We each have our own war to fight. Paul says in Romans 7:15-20, 15 For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. 16 If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 But now, it isno longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. 18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. 19 For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. 20 Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.

We cannot fight that war for anyone else, only for ourselves by using the armor listed in Ephesians 6:14.

God Deals Individually

God only deals with individuals.  Psalms 33:14-15 states this.  Though marriage is two people becoming one, that does not apply to what God is accomplishing in each of us.  Philippians 1:6 applies to individuals.  The armor of God in Ephesians 6:13-17 lists qualities of an individual.  Though more than one person can apply them to life, each person must do it personally.

This means that we cannot blame anyone else for our own lack of maturity which includes our spouse.  Our own spiritual maturity is not dependent on what our spouse chooses to do or not do.

God’s Goal for You

God is more interested in your personal spiritual growth than He is in you having a happy marriage. He will use your relationship with your spouse to get your attention onto what He wants to heal or change in you. Review how he does that at ChristianMarriageBuilder.org Read Matthew 10:34 and onward.