FAMILY MEMBERS ARE ENEMIES…
See Matthew 10:36… and read from verse 34 through 39.
See ChristianMarriageBuilder.org for further discussions.
Enemies
Hello All
Hello Friends of Marriages,
The Christian Marriage Builder website, operated by Dr. Will Renzema, has included you in a group receiving posts regarding improving marriages and other relationships. If you find a post does not apply to you, please consider forwarding it to someone else who may benefit from it. Posts will be sent approximately weekly for your review. Please feel free to return comments regarding each post. Responses can be sent from the ChristianMarriageBuilder.org website. This website also offers an opportunity to make a donation to assist with helping others. These donations are not yet tax deductible. Thank you for your help.
This week’s comment invites each of us to remember that scriptures addressing how we are to treat others also apply to how we treat our spouse.
Sincerely
Dr. Will Renzema MFT, PhD
Anger is an Escape
We escape to anger when the first emotion is too difficult or painful.
Jesus did have anger as an emotion, but it was after a primary emotion. The most common example of that is when Jesus drove the money changers and merchants selling livestock for sacrifices out of the temple. This incident is recorded in all four gospels but none of them say He was angry. We assume because of His actions that He was angry and that is probably a safe assumption. However, the book of John in John 2:17 gives us a look at His primary emotion where it says, Then His disciples remembered that it was written, “Zeal for Your house has eaten Me up.” His primary emotion was zeal.
It is interesting that the money changers could pick up their money though it was dumped over and continue their business elsewhere. Those who had cattle and sheep could gather up their herds and do business again. Those who had doves could not have caught them again so Jesus just told them to take them away. He didn’t destroy anyone’s livelihood.
Another time Jesus was angry is found in Mark 3:5 where it says, And when He had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” His primary emotion was grief for the Sadducees which became anger.
To reach Dr. Renzema… wrenzema@hotmail.com
God’s Providence
Everything we each experience in life has come across God’s desk and happens with His approval. 1 Corinthians 10:13. God will not allow too much to come our way. Matthew 10:29, not one sparrow falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. Satan could not affect Job without God’s permission. Matthew 28:18, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and in earth,” Jesus.
So what are His purposes for what He allows in the individual life? Philippians 1:6, He who began a good work in you will complete it. Romans 8:28 All things work together for good. John 16:33 “In the world, you will have tribulation: but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Romans 5:3 Tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Whatever He allows in each life, the ultimate goal is for good for us.
On Pleasure Seeking
God made us as pleasure seekers. We are made to seek out and make decisions based on what will bring us the most happiness or pleasure. This made perfect sense in the Garden of Eden, but now, not so much. When we make decisions in this way we tend to avoid the situations which will bring us emotional or spiritual pain, however, the pain we are avoiding is always the result of sin, maybe not our sin, maybe someone else’s sin against us.
To resolve the pain, we need to face the discomfort, acknowledge its cause and deal with that cause according to God’s plan. Philippians 1:6 says, “being confident of this very thing, (listen up folks, this is important) that He who has begun a good work in you (Jesus Christ and His Spirit) will complete it (He takes the responsibility and makes it happen) until the day of Jesus Christ (this is the full story of the Christian Life);” So He keeps allowing situations in our lives with will bring up the discomfort He wants us to face, but each one is a little more painful, until our pleasure seeking nature decides it is less painful to face the issue He wants us to than it is to avoid it… The pleasure-seeking principle in reverse.
So it’s wise to face the emotional pain early on and not have to experience the more difficult pain which inevitably comes later.
Is Anger Sin??
Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath,” One of the problems with this verse is we have trouble naming anger for what it is. We call it frustration, or disappointment, or upset, or righteous indignation, or any one of an infinite number of names which allow us to deny we are feeling angry. A good test of anger is, Is it someone or something else’s fault? If so it is likely just anger.
So what is sin with anger? When we make someone else pay for it, often in subtle ways. We refuse to let the other person know the mistake you see them making, or we withdraw from them and make ourselves unavailable when it would be appropriate to be available, or we gossip about them, or we get someone else to do something negative toward them, or we get sarcastic toward them, There are many other ways we sin with anger.
The second part of the verse is written only to the angry person, not to the person we are angry with. It is telling us YOU deal with YOUR anger quickly, or you will sin against someone.
Testimony – Will helped quiet the storm
I first was introduced to Dr. Will through my husband who was also seeing him. Dr. Will has been a confidante, an encouragement and a source of guidance through some very difficult times. He truly cares about those he speaks to and is willing and able to share from his experiences and expertise. He has often been my “quieting voice” in the midst of the storm. I am very grateful for his help and concern.
Testimony – Will’s care helped us through our marriage struggles
My husband and I met Will at the beginning of this year. We were on the verge of getting a divorce and marital counseling was our last resort.
I did not know if marriage counseling was going to work but I was desperate to save our marriage and our family, so I gave it a try. However, because Will was a man, I was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to relate to me. But to my surprise, he was very understanding. I felt like he truly cared for me and it made me feel comfortable enough to open up to him. Will always started his marriage counseling with prayer. He believes that we need the Holy Spirit to lead us and heal us. He always listened to both side of the story. I felt like he was very fair and did not favor one over the other. Most importantly, I did not feel condemned or judged. He just encouraged us to do things different the next time around.
One thing I like about Will is that he’s very transparent about the mistakes that he made in his own marriage and how he learned to do things differently. It made me feel like he can understand where I was coming from. He shared with me about his childhood and his struggles and I immediately felt like I can relate to his story. His childhood was very similar to mine. I really appreciated that he was willing to be transparent about it because it made me feel like I wasn’t the only one that struggled in those areas.
Will is also a very straight to the point kind of person and he’s not afraid to tell the truth. I appreciate his honesty and he always spoke with love and kindness. He was very upfront with both my husband and I as to where things went south between us. For my husband and I, he pointed it out that it was the way we handled little issues in our marriage. We did not communicate in a way that made the other person feel heard and respected. Will taught us how to not use “you” but simply state “this is how it made me feel”. It was very hard to do but it worked. Will gave us so many other practical advices that we were able to apply right away. He was also very punctual with our session and respected our time.
We always ended every session with a prayer and he even offered to be there for us whenever we needed him. I recommend Will because he’s very caring, genuine, and wise. He’s a man of integrity and follows the leading of the Holy Spirit.
Testimony – Will helped enlighten me
“At one of, if not THE worst times in my life, I didn’t know which way to turn. I found “Will”.. I was never one to want to seek professional help as I always felt like I could figure it out on my own but as the walls were seemingly closing in on me and I didn’t know which way to turn, I came across Will’s number and decided to give talking to a professional a shot..
And I’m glad I did because Will helped calm my nerves, enlightened me to ways of being a better person and husband, and opened my mind about things I didn’t know about myself or didn’t see about myself, and also ways to save my marriage.. Dr. Will is very approachable, easy to talk to, non-aggressive but yet up front. He told me things I needed to hear instead of things I wanted to hear, all while in a comfortable relaxed unintimidated setting.. His words of wisdom and his many years of experience stopped those walls from closing in on me, helped me find myself again and helped save my marriage…. “
On Being Judged
When someone has judged you, decided for themselves who and what you are, they have placed you in a box of definition which makes you easier for them to deal with. No matter what you do or don’t do and no matter what you say or don’t say, everything will be taken by that person as proof that you are who they have judged you to be, even if that person is your spouse. There is nothing you can do (and it isn’t your job) to try to change their opinion of you.
Our job is to pay close attention to what God want’s from us and be careful to meet those expectations. Once we have at least partially succeeded with that process, He will take over reshaping another person’s view of you. As long as we continue to try to change our reputation with someone, He allows us to continue to try until we give that responsibility over to Him. He is so much better at that then we are.
A question: If I decided a person has judged me, have I not judged them?