Category: Resolving Marital Conflict

Hello men.  Here’s your chance to learn the female language.  In women, communication between logic and emotions is lightning fast.  The communication between the two happens on eight-lane freeways so to speak.  This is why women talk with so many more words than men.  They know their mind on the subject, no more thinking to do, so it comes out in the form of spoken words.  So men, just listen and make sure she knows you are listening.  Show you are listening by making comments which encourage her to continue expressing.  DO NOT at this time express where you are on the matter.  If you do it will be from a logical or emotional position, typical of the male language, and she is listening in female.  You don’t know yet where you are both emotionally and logically regarding the subject at hand.

She will likely be talking, at least in part of her conversation, about a problem for which you can see an easy solution.  DO NOT state your solution.  She does not want to hear a solution, she just wants to be listened to.  So state comments which let her know you really are listening.  Then, a day or so later, when you have put together your thoughts and feelings on the matter at hand, let her know you’ve been thinking about it here is how you see it.  Your comments will include both thoughts and feelings and you will be communicating in her language.  She will absolutely love you for doing that.

Obviously, this post’s aim is to help females communicate better with males.  This is most applicable in marriage but applies to any situation.  Men speak and listen in Male, and women speak and listen in Female.  They are two different languages.  If you want to communicate better with a man, you need to learn the Male language.

FIRST, accept that men do not have good communication between their thoughts and their emotions.  When he first speaks on a matter it will either be from a logical position or from an emotional position but very rarely from both.  Though there is communication in the male mind between thoughts and feelings, it is like on a two-lane mountain road.  It takes a good while to get through; as much as a whole day.  So if you want to have good communication with a man, you must develop patience.  Give him a day or so after he states his position on a matter with the option of altering his comments once the thoughts and emotions get together in the same place.  Just give him that time.

SOOOO, it does absolutely no good to restate your position to try to get him to agree with you.  Even if he does agree his position is likely to be altered once his thoughts and emotions get together.   State where you are and why, but ONLY ONCE.  He has heard you.  Drop it and let him consider.  You could revisit the topic in a day or two to see if his position is still the same.

He does speak a different language and if you want effective communication, your best approach is to learn his language.  That will also help encourage him to lean your language.

Look back over the last three posts.  They address how to resolve issues in marriage.  Remember that the closeness of marriage is the setting which allows conflict.  If you find yourself thinking, “I only have this kind of conflict with my spouse.  How come I get along so well with everyone else?” That is a dangerous thought pattern.  You would likely have the same issues and likely more difficult ones if you were married to anyone else.  It’s the closeness of being married that allows these conflicts to arise and the Edmonton Counselling works on couples therapy to help partners to understand their relationship.

When you have become more skilled at resolving marital issues, each resolution creates more emotional intimacy within the marriage.  This happens because the strength of the marriage is more evident when a resolution is successful.  Physical intimacy is simply a celebration of emotional intimacy.  Both partners get wonderful rewards from resolving a conflict.

What is great about this process is resolving an issue as it arises, also resolves all the times in the past when this same issue popped up.  No longer does the couple argue until they are tired of arguing.  The conflict produces the end product of intimacy.

Taking time before discussing an issue allows the time to get over being mad.  It also gives us the time to plan how we will address the issue to give it the best chance of a good outcome.

Remember, you can only resolve one issue at a time.  The problem is that most issues in marriage are tied to several others.  We must develop the skill needed to separate out issues into small increments.  If the issue is being interrupted, it cannot be tied to not being heard, or others not listening, only the issue of being interrupted can be addressed at one time.

The issue must be tied to a recent incident within the last few days.  After that the issue becomes stale and memories fade.  Chose the time to address your issue carefully.  Make it a more relaxed time.  It is less likely to escalate.  When you do talk about it, avoid the word “you”, the word “always”, and the word “never”.  Anything you have to say can be worded without using those words.  It just takes some planning.  Another reason to delay the discussion.

When you do talk about it, say one or two sentences so you both know the situation being discussed.  Then say only how you felt… only feelings, no thoughts.  There will probably be several feelings involved.  Then say what you would like in that situation in the future.  THEN STOP TALKING and allow the other person to respond.  When they do it is very likely other issues tied to the one being address will surface.  You must take the focus back to the one simple issue involved.  Maybe say, “That sounds to me like a different issue.  I was just wanting to address being interrupted.

KEY WORD… Nevertheless.  When the discussion seems to have stalled or has been derailed.  That is when you say, “nevertheless” here is how I felt, and here is what I would like.  When your partner gets the point that the discussion is not moving beyond that issue,  then true and simple solutions can be discussed.  Keeping things this simple greatly increases bringing that one simple issue to resolution.

When we have learned the skills (yes plural) necessary to put off destructive discussions with our spouse, The next step is to learn what to do with the feelings arising in you.

Again, feelings gain power over us when we do not deal with them.  So when you have bad feelings toward your spouse, they cannot just be ignored or buried.  When you bypass the arguing you must also promise yourself that you will deal with those bad emotions, and here are a couple of skills you must learn to do that.  First, tough emotions must be addressed within the next day or so.  If you put it off beyond that, the issue becomes cold and memories fade and resolution becomes too difficult.  It must be addressed while it is fresh in both of your minds.

Second, the reason the discussion is delayed is to allow yourself time to get over your mad and decide with a calmer spirit how you will address the issue.  Further, the delay will give your spouse time to look at the issue more accurately instead of from the position of anger.

Ephesians 4: ²⁶ “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, ²⁷ nor give ^[a]place to the devil.”  Notice it is my personal job to “not let the sun go down on my anger”.  That does not mean to settle the issue with your spouse.  It means you, personally, get over your anger quickly.  Otherwise, you will be “giving place to the devil”.  

In the next post, we will discuss how to get beyond your own anger.

Marital conflicts can be resolved, but it takes learning some new skills.  In this post and in several to follow, those various skills will be discussed.

When emotions rise and take control of your situation, you and your spouse have already lost.  To neutralize the power of those well-known emotions, such as anger and disgust, the one most important skill is to recognize and acknowledge them early.  The power emotions have over us is enhanced by denying or ignoring them.  Robbing emotions of their power requires becoming aware of them earlier and earlier, a difficult yet rewarding skill to learn.

When we see the train wreck approaching in time, we can move aside and let it go on past.  This means temporarily choosing to not move forward with the discussion.  The hard part about this is your spouse and you are practiced at doing your dance in a destructive manner and though you change your style, your spouse may push to continue to do the old style destructive dance.  So you also must develop the skill to stick to the decision to not proceed as in the past.  It’s time for a new dance.  How to move on into resolution will be discussed in a future post.

Each new skill will move you closer to a rewarding and happier marriage.