Taking time before discussing an issue allows the time to get over being mad. It also gives us the time to plan how we will address the issue to give it the best chance of a good outcome.
Remember, you can only resolve one issue at a time. The problem is that most issues in marriage are tied to several others. We must develop the skill needed to separate out issues into small increments. If the issue is being interrupted, it cannot be tied to not being heard, or others not listening, only the issue of being interrupted can be addressed at one time.
The issue must be tied to a recent incident within the last few days. After that the issue becomes stale and memories fade. Chose the time to address your issue carefully. Make it a more relaxed time. It is less likely to escalate. When you do talk about it, avoid the word “you”, the word “always”, and the word “never”. Anything you have to say can be worded without using those words. It just takes some planning. Another reason to delay the discussion.
When you do talk about it, say one or two sentences so you both know the situation being discussed. Then say only how you felt… only feelings, no thoughts. There will probably be several feelings involved. Then say what you would like in that situation in the future. THEN STOP TALKING and allow the other person to respond. When they do it is very likely other issues tied to the one being address will surface. You must take the focus back to the one simple issue involved. Maybe say, “That sounds to me like a different issue. I was just wanting to address being interrupted.
KEY WORD… Nevertheless. When the discussion seems to have stalled or has been derailed. That is when you say, “nevertheless” here is how I felt, and here is what I would like. When your partner gets the point that the discussion is not moving beyond that issue, then true and simple solutions can be discussed. Keeping things this simple greatly increases bringing that one simple issue to resolution.
